Semi-Daily Scribbles

Too Much and Not Enough

I should hope one would think he or she is interesting. If a person doesn't have that sort of opinion of oneself, all sorts of unfortunate occurrences can happen, like hearing a nonstop self-censure loop booming inside an already thought-heavy head. Oh, and if a person does find him/herself pleasant company to be around, that happily self-actualized individual should not foist any such presumption of that dearly held belief upon family and friends.
---You just groove inside your Private Opinion Bubble, buddy!---
Any such foisting of one's actually REAL self only muddies the sensitive depths of YOU and makes a gal or guy look like an imbecilic navel-gazer.
... and who wants to be perceived in that way?

Love is Rough

I informed Elinore that I trusted my gut more than some expert's opinion on how best to sell myself to the Cogs of Industry. She didn't believe me. All is right in the world if we choose to listen to the mysteries in the wind that sigh and cry. Soughing and cooing from on high to get us to heed the knowing in our hearts. I persist because progression is in my bones. Maybe I'm a throwback, but I keep comin' back. I only know how to dog paddle, but the inelegant splashing gets me from one end of The Universe to the other. Success is spotting a mess and then coming up with an exit plan. I do not want to be The Petrified Man to stand sentinel over complacency for all eternity. Struggle is what gets you a first class ticket to the stars. You need to look up to see where you've been.

Ah, Elinore. You peaked at 19, but you're still my queen. There was always a smack of schmaltz about you. And that's why I love you. Love is lovely and it made you lose your edge. Standing out on that ledge, what thoughts have now replaced the darkness? The dream is now rinse and repeat. It's difficult to call the attainment of respectability a defeat. But where is the hunger? The longing. The yearning. Has it all been replaced by a sizable yearly earning? You will always be a bit of rough sport to me, bon ami.

The Hidden Part

What is it you need to show to the world? What's the one thing you want me to know about you? How can you tell your story without it being a masterfully manipulated collection of photographs on Insty-Sham?

Here's what Phyllida wants us to know about her:

I am the Crone. I am your Forever Home. Come rest in my arms so evergreen. I am soon to be riding the #9 and so close to being whole. I feel young/old/accomplished/benighted ... happy to have sensations at all. I am grateful for my cave; my hideout from the world as I've undergone this painful transformation. I don't look any different. The wrapper is no worse for wear. But the little spark of wonder that has always caused me pain is now a rampaging flame of wisdom. Can't unknow what you know. Or, in other words, this light ain't goin' out any time soon, bebe ko.

Be the Star

Not a proper Year-In-Review this. Not even going to speculate on what's in store for 2019. Just a handful of things that happened:

* I rescued a withered Philodendron scandens tucked amongst boxes of Tampax stacked on a table of markdowns at Walmart. I christened the plant Luz.

* Learned to embrace the ludicrous and my worldview improved immensely.

* Wrote some pretty shitty poetry.

* Got to be a tourist in the city where I live when family came to visit.

* Colleagues were given the Fourth Quarter Boot Scoot at my place of employment. I'm still there.

Snapshots of a life lived as the planet does its slow dance around the sun. Time, too, continues to communicate in its ebb and flow way. And each one of us a star. No, really. We follow stars across the sky in our search for home. But as a star, the only place one can return is where you are.

The State of Becoming

O.k., Masters-in-Training: If the last 10 years have been easy for you, you must have done The Work over prior lifetimes. If yes/no: Has something happened to you in the past 30 to 45 days that slapped ya upside the head (didn't see it comin', didn't see it comin') and left ya lying in a goo pit of conflicting emotions? We are all presently tasked with looking at ourselves through the eyes of others. How well do those narratives criss and cross? Are you ready for a different version of your life to be projected against that big, blank canvass you are staring at? Make sure you've got a red pen handy.

a lesson earned

and for anyone who peeks at this screen, i got a little nugget o' to pass along ... just keep showing up. sounds simple but it's one of the hardest things to do consistently throughout one's lifetime(s). good things are coming my way, though, thanks to the routine to which i tenaciously cling; being in a place at specific times and dates and performing tasks that outside a particular four-walled structure MAKE NO SENSE AT ALL. i'm sure you participate in a similar activity wherever you reside in the multiverse. it is easy to get tripped up when one dances to the rhythm of the day-to-day. sometimes there's no end in sight and progression feels like an automobile stuck in reverse (even under the best of circumstances it's not easy to power through life's obstacle course.) but hey, did you make someone's day today? that's about the only way to gauge if you've done anything worth a damn. create something right now that didn't exist yesterday, and say Hello to the next person that enters your periphery. keep raisin' the vibration y'all, and then tell me you don't see a little light slipping through the cracks.

You Are Knot Trying Hard Enough

You're better off finding a trusted civilian who'll listen to your (what usually are very amusing) existential crises, and maintaining a lifestyle where your body and mind are allowed to perform at peak proficiency. Sorry, I hope that didn't come out sounding all preachily privileged because, you know: You are perfect just the way you are! And get yourself a hobby. Animals are good to have around, too. But please don't pay hard-earned cash money to be told to eat a salad once in a while. Mom told you to eat your vegetables, probably many times, and for free even.

Eyes Don't Lie

Sometimes when I talk to you, your eyes are distorted by a liquid shimmer.

"I'm not crying. You're crying!"

A dead guy once called that rheumy-eyed stare "the puddly look of nostalgia."

Are you reliving the past when you look at me? I have to admit there was something oddly familiar the first time I saw you, banging on the side of the vending machine in Bldg. B to loosen a scrunched and skewed bag of Cool Ranch Doritos so it'd drop down into the tray.

Sound the Warning

What should Alejandra's reaction be when she is told by a sleepy colleague to "chill and just roll with it?" Smile and say: "Yeah, you're right." Know that Sonny means well as he munches those pretty flowers.

psssst ... The Universe wants you to know the spell you've been under is about to lift. Oh happy day! Just be mindful from here on out of what plants you find in your Redi-Mix bag of salad greens.

The Long Haul

We never truly grow the way we need to when rooted in one place, and comfort can be an obstacle when a task demands attention. Beginnings are always more rosy than saying you're done. What was learned along the way? Stumble. Repeat. The plan behind the madness may not be revealed until the next stop along this eternal blacktop. The journey stretches on into vaguely familiar territory as Karma keeps our souls in play.